Resisting the Ride
Grief often has a component of conflicted feelings - gratitude for what was and sadness for what is no more. Sometimes deep sadness in the experience of loss and at the same time a sense of relief …
I reflected in a post or two ago about the experience of both Joy and great sadness occupying the same space. The joyous wedding of my son and the sudden passing of my beloved’s mother (grandmother to my sons). The shock of a sudden death, an imposed goodbye.
Grief often has a component of conflicted feelings - gratitude for what was and sadness for what is no more. Sometimes deep sadness in the experience of loss and at the same time a sense of relief, especially when someone has been struggling/suffering for a long time (tho’ duration is relative depending on each person’s unique context).
Sometimes relationships are “complicated.” The reality is human relationships can be messy - though our loved one was no “saint” they were likely no monster either. There is a lot of bandwidth between these poles, and really, where we land with our loss is unique, because our relationship to the one we lost is unique. Sure, we may share the same event, say the loss of a mother, but our unique relationship with our mom is not the same as anyone else’s - even our siblings. “Complicated” relationships can produce conflicting feelings.
I hate roller coasters. [Sorry for the harsh segue] I don’t like the feeling of sudden ups, downs and twists. I’ve never enjoyed it. In fact, I realized that on the popular amusement ride, I was physically resisting the ride in my body, tensing up to resist the drops, fast banked corners, twists and ascension.
The last and final time I was coerced to ride one of these sadistic contraptions, a thought popped into my head - “What if you just rode it and didn’t fight it?” So I tried it.
Oh, I still didn’t like it but when I stopped fighting it, the experience was not AS horrible.
I’m realizing that it’s okay to hold both the joy and the pain in the same space without denying/suppressing either. Discovering the capacity to hold these conflicting feelings in a milieu of Love, recognizing the rhythm of the back and forth, the twists, ups and downs (now the roller coaster segue works) - accepting that this is the natural, normal emotional context in which we experience our grief - both the joy/gratitude and the pain. Being grateful for what was while honestly engaging those things we wished were more or different.
With supports, there is genuine healing. Sometimes this healing looks like good memories becoming more vibrant and joyous - without the dark shadows of the pain of loss.
Sometimes healing looks like a deepening sense of peace - where working through those painful experiences, and the sadness of wishing the relationship was more or better makes way for a sense of completeness with respect to our loss. Far from sweeping it all under the rug, or what happened is somehow okay now; we come to a place of acceptance (dare I say forgiveness), and as a part of this, giving up hope for a different past.
I am experiencing afresh a unique capacity for resiliency [sometimes experienced as grace] in the way I am experiencing being held in/by Love - in all of life, and most especially as I reflect on my own journey through my own “complicated” relationships. I am learning to ride the ride, to let things be as they are while responding to the invitations of Love toward integrated wholeness. Love holds it all.
Post-script: Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase of Paul’s letter (8:38-39) to his friends in Rome:
“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master (Love) has embraced us.”
Photo credit: Paul Brennan on Pixabay.com